We went to church this morning like every other Sunday morning. I strapped Gideon in the Solly baby wrap and he went to sleep snuggled up on my chest during the worship service. We took communion as we do every week, something I’m so thankful our church does so regularly. Then it was time for the message. Pastor James said we were going to start in Philippians and told us to open our bibles or our electronic devices to follow along. I grabbed my phone, clicked on the LSCC app, clicked on the notes portion to write in my notes to follow along with his sermon and saw the date.
Then I couldn’t breathe. And tears started pouring off my face onto Gideon sleeping just below. I was sobbing pretty good while Bo was wondering what the heck was wrong with me and my friend next to me was searching her purse to find me some kleenex so I didn’t snot all over Gideon, also probably wondering what the heck was wrong with me.
I told them, “It’s July.” As if they didn’t already know. They did. I didn’t.
It can’t be July ALREADY.
It’s too soon. That means I can’t say ‘surgery is next month’ anymore. It’s not in 6 weeks or 2 months or even next month. That means that while we were supposed to have 4-6 months with Gideon at home to grow big and strong for his next surgery, and it feels like we haven’t had that yet, we have, and the time is near for us to go back to the hospital again.
It literally hit me like a ton of bricks crushing my chest. I quietly sobbed trying to catch a breath of air thinking ’26 days’ over and over and over for the rest of the church service. Then, after we were home and Gideon was fed again and played with and it was time for him to nap, I was walking around with him snuggling him like I do before he goes down to rest thinking about it all. It doesn’t feel like it’s been 6 m onths yet. It’s too soon. I am not ready. But then I realized, even if I had 6 more months to prepare like I want right now, I wouldn’t be ready then either. Who is ever ready to watch your baby be wheeled down the hallway into an operating room where they are going to literally open his heart up, build all new walls and create valves then sew him all back together? No one. No one can ever be ready for that, just like now matter how ill your famliy member is, you are never ready for them to die. You can think about it, plan, prepare, pray, do all that you can to try to prepare but it will still hit hard when it happens.
I know it will hit hard when it happens. I think it might hit hard for me all month this month as we prepare for it by talking to the boys about Gideon going in for surgery for his heart and having a slumber party at my parents house for a couple of nights and having play dates with friends again without us being there. Trying to plan food in the house and help to come over to be with the kids but I know that no matter how much food I stock the house with or how many helperrs I can schedule to come over to play with the kids, I probably won’t feel any better about it when the time comes. I also know that I may not even get around to stocking the house with food and that’s OK too. It just makes the control freak in me think I’ll feel better about it for when the time comes.
I know that’s ok. I am so excited for Gideon to be on the other side of this surgery, to grow even stronger and healthier than he is now, to flourish and be ‘repaired’. He will always be a CHD (congenital heart defect) baby/kid/adult but he will be considered repaired after this surgery although it’s not a cure, it’s just a repair. He has an excellent prognosis and we are even more blessed to have, quite literally, the best pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon in the nation doing his surgery. There are so many people around the world praying for him and this upcoming surgery, we are so blessed and thankful. I am still emotional thinking about all he has to go through to get to the other side. It’s a major surgery, I know kids are resillient but that doesn’t lessen the surgery he will endure, the pain he will endure, the healing process, it’s a lot for a little guy. It’s only 26 days away. 26 days. 26 days.
Please pray for his continued growth and strength over the next 26 days. The surgical team, our family, my parents who will have the big boys, our marriage, my mama heart. So many prayers. So blessed & thankful. So excited to get through this and get him back home again with his brothers and heal up! Sad that we will miss the new pastor arriving at our church, the kids will miss VBS, we will miss the new pastors first day, his welcome with his family, it’s a bummer but I guess we will get to meet him later when we are out of the hospital and healed up ready to join the real world again when the germs aren’t so scary after his sternotomy heals up and he is off sternal precautions again.
All of the updates won’t be on the blog when we are in the hospital as I plan to do some live videos to update while we are there. Join his group so you can follow along if you’d like to see the most up to date info, here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/158210648110517/